3.13.12

March 13, 2014

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Today is my son’s second birthday.

From the moment that plus sign appeared on the pregnancy test, J and I planned and dreamed and waited. Waited for the first ultrasound with the beating heart. Waited to feel that first flutter of movement. We watched and we waited and we prayed for our firstborn.

With a thatch of dark brown hair on his tiny head from me and J’s muscular calves he was beautiful. But life had already left his body when I held him in my arms at 20 weeks gestation. I was just meeting him – just finding out that he was a he – and already I had to say goodbye.

“You’ll have more…” they said. They were right. Although many are not so fortunate.

“You are blessed,” they say. It’s true. We just celebrated Reagan’s first birthday and I love being her mom more than words can say. She brings joy to my life and is the beat of my heart.

“You’ll get over it.” Never. You never get over losing a child. You continue on {hopefully} and the pain lessens. You don’t think about your child quite so often. Then a song comes on the radio, a breeze blows through a wind chime or a smell catches your attention and the memories come flooding back. And with them, tears. Tears on the solitary drive to work or in the quiet hours of darkness. And guilt that you had forgotten even a little bit.

Others move on and it feels like they have forgotten. Maybe they have. Or maybe they just don’t know what to say or if it would hurt more to bring it up.

Bring it up.

You can never hurt me by thinking of my child. You can never wound me with your love for my son. Your concern, your thoughts, are like a balm to my broken spirit.

Since this journey began I have met many moms like me. Moms without babes to be held in their arms, but mothers the same. If that describes you, know that you are not alone.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

This post is in honor of Samuel Evan Oliver. Mommy can’t wait to hug and kiss you in Heaven!

Special thanks to all who have walked alongside me on this journey, both family and friends. And thanks to Wendy, Eva, Stephanie and my many friends in my Incompetent Cervix support group for sharing their own stories of pain and encouraging me when I wasn’t sure how to move forward.

7 thoughts on “3.13.12

  1. Robin

    I did not know you well but I rejoiced with you at hearing the announcement of your pregnancy, prayed for you as you progressed and planned and the glow began to permeate your space and radiate from your face. I admired your passionate pursuit of God and your ever present love and respect for your husband. And I cried buckets when you had to say good bye prematurely to your first-born. And like many, I couldn’t find the words. I cry still, even now, at the human inadequacy to truly be Christ’s hands and feet at the very moments His touch, His compassion, His perfect presence are so desperately needed.

    You are a blessing dear one! Thank you for so beautifully modeling a life of passion, purity, transparency, trust, surrender and satisfaction as you’ve journeyed with Jesus. You are an amazing mom and I so love it when I have the rare occasion to see you and Reagan. My heart leaps. And I rejoice in God’s redeeming love

    Reply
  2. Cassandra V. from incompetent cervix support group.

    This was beautifully written. I today understand i Have an almost 7 yr old son10 days from now in Heaven and Dec. 19 marked my 2nd sons 1st birthday. I miss them so much and some daydreaming it does féel others have moved on and it hurts. I see my parent with my nieces and I féel so much pain. My 2nd niece was born on my sons birthday March 23rd and now its as if all that matters is her birthday not my sons and it hurts so much. I hope it doesn’t seem selfish of me to say that.

    Reply
    1. rachelroliver

      I don’t think that sounds selfish at all. We want our children to be loved and remembered always even if their lives were cut short before, during or after birth. (((HUGS)))

      Reply
  3. Amanda

    This was a beautiful post. Happy Birthday Baby Sam from Aunt M.
    I am guilty of not bringing up your sweet little name because I didn’t want to remind your mommy and daddy of the heartache and loss…thanks to your mommy for letting me know that it is welcomed and needed…we love you all.

    Reply
  4. mommyx4boys

    I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in 2008, she was born at 21 weeks gestation. This month is also hard for me she would turn 6 years old on the 26 of march. I am lucky i have four boys now, but i lost my little girl, rain mckayla. There is a poem i just published on my blog for mothers who have lost children. If you have time you should check it out i think you would like it. mommyx4boys.wordpress.com

    Reply

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