love – rachel + reagan

The Journey to Trust

God, the one and only — I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul,

An impregnable castle: I’m set for life.

My help and glory are in God — granite-strength and safe-harbor-God — So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. {Psalm 62:5-8}

My word for 2016 was JOY, but to be honest much of it felt anything but joyful. The year started off on the heels of the miscarriage of our much-longed for twins and I spent months wrestling with God over His plans for my family. And His voice echoed in my head:

Do you trust me?

Of course, I trust you God, I’d reason. But the truth was, it was hard to trust. I knew that trusting God wouldn’t create an immunity from the yucky stuff of life. But when life is difficult, trusting God is what has gotten me through, and I’m reminded that God is my strength and safe-harbor, the solid rock on which I am stable {Psalm 62}.

Do you trust me?

Throughout the year, I tried by my own might to achieve the dream of my heart – a larger family. But by December, J and I had concluded that it was time to fully surrender that dream to God and pray about what was next. And so we began 2017 feeling a peace that could only come from trusting Him, even in the unknown.

Do you trust me?

Through prayer and tears, conversations with family and friends, the next has become abundantly clear. We know what He is calling us to trust Him in and with.

As so, with excitement and trusting God with our anxieties, J and I are beginning the journey to become licensed FOSTER PARENTS and to welcome children temporarily {and maybe forever} into our home and family. There is a lot of training ahead and paperwork galore {not to mention physicals, background checks, etc}, but we believe that this is where He wants us. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be good? We sure hope so! And we would love your prayers and encouragement as we begin this new journey.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
{Oceans by Hillsong United)

Girlfriending

Friendships in my 20s were easy. We were mostly single and, although money may have been tight, we had the time and creativity to turn the most mundane activity into a party (like grocery shopping at 11pm!). It didn’t hurt that I lived with a plethora of awesome girls during those years. I always had a buddy at home to blab to about boys and work, or to get fashion and style advice from.

Fast forward a decade, and life looks a little different. For starters, my housemate still hasn’t mastered the fine art of answering, “Does this make me look fat?” Poor guy.

Read the rest on the Middle Places blog.

Say What?

“I haven’t seen your order. I just got back from lunch,” the receptionist told me shortly without looking up from her desk yesterday.

While I waited she looked through the files on her computer then picked up the phone to call upstairs. I waited a few more minutes.

“A nurse has to place the order, so you’ll need to wait,” she told me not unkindly but also without much regard.

Read the rest on the Middle Places blog.

When Church is the Answer

I walked into the new-to-me church feeling a little hesitant. It’s not that I have an issue with church per say, but it’s always a little uncomfortable walking into one where you don’t know anyone (yet).

But this church had something very special going for it. Something that had me falling madly in love with it before even stepping a foot inside the door. You’ll understand why soon.

Read the rest on the Middle Places blog.

To Risk Losing It All, Again

As the doctor walked into the ultrasound room, I knew something was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. “The baby looks great,” she solemnly shared. “But you’re dilated to 4cm.” My heart stopped. She said other words that I couldn’t fully process: bulging membranes, emergency surgery, hospital now. She left the room so I could get dressed…

Read the rest on the Middle Places blog.

Why dating is bad for my marriage

And I don’t mean dating someone outside of my marriage. That seems pretty self-explanatory. No, I’m talking about dating my mate – the same handsome dude I promised to love, honor and obey. The one I really do love spending time with.

If you look online for “date your spouse” you’ll find all sorts of articles on why it’s important to make time for your marriage and even how to date your wife/husband. So who am I to contradict the wisdom of the interwebs?

Creative Commons — photo by Robert Flake

And yet, every time we prepare to go out for a date night, I end up more angry and frustrated with this man of mine than I would have been had we just ordered a pizza and picked up Redbox. I’d like to say it’s all his fault {because really, when is it not} but in this case, I blame the babysitter.

After all, she is the one I am thinking of as I tear through the house picking up GoGo Squeez containers, Little People and loveys. She is the one I’m concerned about as I glare at my husband and nag him to “stop folding the laundry and just hide it in the guest room.” And it’s her fault that 10 minutes before she is to arrive I’m just hoping in the shower to make myself completely beautiful for my magical-evening-now-turned-ugly.

Or perhaps I’m the problem.

And while I’m at it, I should probably claim fault for most of the things I blame on my husband. Instead of focusing on the fun of a night out, I focus on making my house spotless. While I should be happy to have time alone with my love, I’m criticize him for not cleaning the “right” way. And when it’s time to get ready – the part that used to be so much fun – I’m just frazzled and annoyed, and ready to call the whole thing off {the date, not the marriage}.

It’s time to reclaim the joy in date night. To that end I promise:

To pick up the clutter and spot-clean my house before date night but not stress about every possible mess.
To stop cleaning at least one hour before departure time so I am not frazzled when we leave.
To spend more time shaving my legs, doing my hair and makeup, and choosing a cute outfit for a great night out.
To think about my man as I prep for date night and not the babysitter and her judgy-judgy ways {which I’m sure is really only happening in my head, because she’s a total sweetie}.
To love date night. Even if my husband doesn’t make any plans and we end up at the same place again {okay, so some things really are his fault}.

What about you? What keeps you from dating your spouse or enjoying date nights?

Making Time for Me

As a mom, most of my waking hours – and some of my sleeping hours – are spent working or taking care of those I love. Working in an office or cooking and cleaning at home, sending emails and wiping dirty bottoms and runny noses, my days are not my own.

And I love it.

I love being a wife and mom. I love the messy joy, the sticky hugs and the wet kisses. I love planning meals and birthday parties. I don’t love the dishes and laundry, so if you know anyone who’d like to volunteer for those tasks, I’m all ears.

And yet, even with all the joy and fulfillment being a mom brings, I have needs to be met. Making time to care for oneself can seem impossible or selfish but in reality the value of “me time” is immeasurable. Because when I am in a healthy place – physically, emotionally and spiritually – I am best able to care for my family.

Creative Commons — photo by Adrian Serghie

Here are five ways I’ve found for keeping the “me” in Mommeeee happy and healthy:

Get dressed. Even on days I’m not going to the office, I try to get showered and dressed before my husband leaves for work. Starting my day off with a tiny bit of privacy – while he watches Reagan – and a lot of hot water sets the tone for a better day.
Take a break. When possible, do something that you enjoy during nap time. For me this might include a short dance-workout via video, reading a good book or my Bible, taking a nap, trying out a new recipe or watching one of my favorite reality shows with a bowl of fresh popcorn (embarrassing confession – I’m a sucker for all things reality-tv).
Make a plan. Schedule a weekly or monthly activity that gets you out of the house for some fun with other adults. Maybe a weekly Bible study, a monthly Bunco group, a Saturday hiking club or an every-other-week MOPS meeting. Whatever you find, commit to it.
Set a date. No really, time away from the kids with your man on a regular basis is crucial to a great relationship and a happier, healthier you. So find a trusted family member or friend who can watch the kids for a couple hours while you and your guy reconnect.
Invest in yourself. Even in the midst of parenting, you can continue to grow and develop the person God has created you to be. As your schedule allows, take an art class or dance lessons. Go to a writers’ conference or a weekend women’s retreat. Take an online class and work on your degree. Not only will you be growing but you’ll be modeling to your children a love for life-long learning.

And before you think I’ve got this me time thing down, let me reassure you: these are things I try to do. Some days I do well, other days it’s all I can manage to drag my weary body to bed at night. And that’s okay because I will have another chance to do better tomorrow.

How about you – what do you do to best care for yourself? How does taking care of your needs affect the way you are able to care for your family?

3.13.12

Today is my son’s second birthday.

From the moment that plus sign appeared on the pregnancy test, J and I planned and dreamed and waited. Waited for the first ultrasound with the beating heart. Waited to feel that first flutter of movement. We watched and we waited and we prayed for our firstborn.

With a thatch of dark brown hair on his tiny head from me and J’s muscular calves he was beautiful. But life had already left his body when I held him in my arms at 20 weeks gestation. I was just meeting him – just finding out that he was a he – and already I had to say goodbye.

“You’ll have more…” they said. They were right. Although many are not so fortunate.

“You are blessed,” they say. It’s true. We just celebrated Reagan’s first birthday and I love being her mom more than words can say. She brings joy to my life and is the beat of my heart.

“You’ll get over it.” Never. You never get over losing a child. You continue on {hopefully} and the pain lessens. You don’t think about your child quite so often. Then a song comes on the radio, a breeze blows through a wind chime or a smell catches your attention and the memories come flooding back. And with them, tears. Tears on the solitary drive to work or in the quiet hours of darkness. And guilt that you had forgotten even a little bit.

Others move on and it feels like they have forgotten. Maybe they have. Or maybe they just don’t know what to say or if it would hurt more to bring it up.

Bring it up.

You can never hurt me by thinking of my child. You can never wound me with your love for my son. Your concern, your thoughts, are like a balm to my broken spirit.

Since this journey began I have met many moms like me. Moms without babes to be held in their arms, but mothers the same. If that describes you, know that you are not alone.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

This post is in honor of Samuel Evan Oliver. Mommy can’t wait to hug and kiss you in Heaven!

Special thanks to all who have walked alongside me on this journey, both family and friends. And thanks to Wendy, Eva, Stephanie and my many friends in my Incompetent Cervix support group for sharing their own stories of pain and encouraging me when I wasn’t sure how to move forward.