Welcome to My Mess

Some things are too personal to share publically. Too deep, too vulnerable, too hurtful. But if no one shares, then others facing the same hurts – in the same mess – can often feel alone and isolated, as if no one else has ever gone through what they are going through.

That’s how I’m feeling today. Welcome to my mess.

My husband and I have been trying for some months to have another baby. We planned to stay home for the holidays this year because we assumed I’d be pregnant (I’m a high-risk pregnancy so I am not allowed to travel after the first trimester) and yet, here I sit in mid-December with yet another reminder that I am not pregnant. And my heart aches.

At first the teasing of “time for another,” and “Reagan needs a little brother or sister” amused me. “Maybe someday,” I’d joke back. But now, through no fault of my sweet friends, the comments hurt, and my confidence wavers. Self-doubt creeps in. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I’m not a very good mom and wouldn’t be able to handle two kiddos. After all we’ve been through, maybe I should just be content with having one happy and healthy child.

And yet the truth is, my heart longs for more. More children, more special moments, more “firsts.” I long to feel a baby move inside me again, to smell the wonderful fragrance of a newly born infant, to watch my daughter interact with and love a younger sibling.

And whether rational or not, it feels like my dream is out of reach. It’s not happening today and there is no guarantee it will happen tomorrow. And life must go on.

Even in the midst of my sorrow, there is joy in this season. As I watch my daughter experience Christmas with her toddler-like wonder, my heart swells. As I cheer for my newly-engaged friends, I am reminded of all of that with which God has blessed me. As I congratulate the new mamas-to-be in my sphere of influence, my focus takes aim on truth. A truth that doesn’t deny my own hurts and disappointments, but rather takes the feelings and turns them into something deeper and stronger than they ever could have been without the struggles. Transforming them into the very type of deep love that is at the heart of Christmas. And I am reminded of the great love God has showered on each of us through the gift of his tiny son on Christmas Day; even knowing that some thirty-three years later mankind would nail that babe-turned-man to a cross to die for our sins.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

So although I grieve, I am also hopeful. Hopeful that someday – through some means – God will grow my tiny family. But even more strongly, I am hopeful that during this season God’s family will grow, and that more of those I love, and those I hope to one day know and love, will come to understand what a gift that little baby-born-in-a-manger was to each of us and how He can bring hope to our private tears and deepest hurts.

And just in case you’re wondering, there’s no follow-up to this story {yet}. No “and since writing this…” This is where I’m at today – right now – where I uncomfortable sit while God works on my head and my heart. Welcome to my mess.


  1. As tears fill my eyes, I am familiar with these feelings having waited…now almost 10 years for that “next”. It’s hard to even tell others that we’ve tried, that I “want”.
    Thanks for sharing, Rachel. Praying for God to comfort you…Emmanuel.

  2. I know the ache of the waiting in the space between and my heart aches with you as you now wait. Praying for God to hold your heart and bring you comfort. And I pray that He grants this desire of yours.

  3. God bless you, dear sweet mama-in-waiting. I am sorry for your pain and pray that as you long for Baby #2 you grow closer to Him in your hurting. Praying too that God places a new little one into your womb. And praying that you keep being vulnerable and sharing for your story will help so many women. I only waited seven months for baby #2 (after having gotten pregnant right away with #1) but I remember having so many fears, doubts and such sadness each month. Hold to Him in your longings. Blessings for a 2015 of dreams coming true…

    1. Dear Rachel, If you are still in this same mess, let me send you a hug. I am in that mess too. I also have a beautiful daughter that just turned 3 and I grieve for the fact that she has no sibling. I have been through treatments with no success, and I never imagined that I would be on the other side of them without a second baby. At this point, me heart still aches, but it is hard to talk to people because there is little more they can say to me as I wait to see what God is doing through this period of my life. I will pray for another child for you and know there is another Rachel out there weeping for her children.

      1. Rachel, thanks for your post. Yes, we remain in the “mess:” waiting, hoping, questioning. I don’t believe my family is complete but I don’t know if that means any more biological children for us or if God has other plans for growing my brood. Hugs and prayers for you, too!

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